Catatan tgl 26 Desember
Saturday, December 29th, 2007…………….
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Rabu, 26 Desember 2007
Well, Cuma mau ngeluh lagi…apalagi kalo bukan gara2 ke-dumb-an aku si dummy ini.
Yaaahhhh…tadi
BP (British Parliamentary). Gw biasa ama Ega, and we were shame2ing ourselves
again I dunno for how many times, maybe for the 1000th time….
Tau
gak sih, before Phyxius, well, I congratulate myself because I think I had a
rapid growth before and during Phyxius. But after Phyxius, especially after ULUM, when I had practices with ITB Students and ??? I was shame2ing myself in
front of them! After facing them,,,well, the debate was poor, no matter how
they saw it. And I just feel that, after all this time, coming to ITB and
having practices with those “MASTERS” (like what Pandu always says) bring more
harm than good.
When
me and Ega told our problem to Pandu about this, well, I
have to say that he made me feel worse…
Although
he (Pandu) stated several times that we shouldn’t stop our visits to ITB, and
he also said that we weren’t dumb people,,,but I just didn’t feel it that way.
And I don’t.
Because
at the same time, I realize something that THEY JUST NEED MORE
PEOPLE TO PRACTICE WITH, NO MATTER THE PEOPLE ARE DUMB AND KNOW NOTHING, NO
MATTER THE PEOPLE ARE HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS OR UNIVERSITY STUDENTS OR JUST
PEOPLE WHO CAN SPEAK ENGLISH…OR JUST WEIRD SPECIES LIKE US…
Okay,
that sounds hyperbolic and too-negative thinking. But it’s not absolutely
false. It’s not absolutely true, either. But…
The
point is, the more I think about what he said to us, the more I think that it’s
all useless: keep hoping to beat the Masters and keep building spirit to
accomplish it. I would never be a world level debater like my dream, maybe I’m
10 grades lower than them whom I had practices with…because I AM DUMB…
But
what can I do now? I’ve fallen in love with that campus, the fresh air and
green view, and I liked debating with those people, although I was really
shame, lame, whatever…and almost after every debate I wanted to cry for sure…seems
childish…putting a fake smile on my face and saying stupid lie, “I’m OK…”.
I
can’t pretend that I’m alright.
Especially
when Pandu said that BIG ASS IS BETTER THAN US (Me and Ega). Well…imagine how “my heart broke” when I heard that! I tried to be ‘innocent’
and I seemed didn’t understand what he said, although I COMPLETELY KNEW what
that meant…
The
thought of being a dummy haunts me everytime. I used to think, arrogantly,
egoistically –maybe-, proudly, that I was smart. I used to think that nobody
was better than me, especially when it comes to English, whether it was at school
or everyday life. I used to think that I had excellent English skills.
But
now? It hurts to strike out your own egoism, to fall from your queen’s chair
and to give up your crown as an act of surrender.
I
curse myself for being stupid. I curse myself for being too stupid to face the
people who respect me; the people who trust in me, trust that I would do
better; the people who spent their time to have practices with dummies like me and Ega, even
before they’re gone to World Championship, where they’d meet great debaters and
that they deserved to have a better sparring partner; the people of whom I had
an obsession to beat; the people who encouraged me to come to their place to
improve my skill…
And
I’ve failed.
“Big Ass is better than me”, well, everything’s at an end. And the
debate several hours ago successfully proved that I have to confess that I am
not better than Big Ass.
Well,
just a nonsense writing…just don’t ask…
