somenonsensewritings x)

Saturday, February 16, 2008

A child who has a little piece of understanding

Just
several hours ago (about

9:30

) my best-buddy called me. As usual.
Since we came to that place and since we had everything with them, the
intensity of phone call between us has been raising rapidly, and almost
everyday we call each other. Most of these phone calls were intended to talk
about THAT matter.

When
she phoned me at that time, she said something that really pierced me to the
heart.

“Catatan
tgl 26 Desember” is just one of a thousand.

I
finally understood something.

An
answer to all my doubt.

A
message that every of them tries to send is : “Be more mature”.

Is
the definition of “adult” made by 15-16 year-old girls different from 17-19’s
definition?

YES.

Entering
their world means that I have to act like an adult. If I tell myself not to be
childish, then I shouldn’t be a child.

I
thought, crying because I’m a loser
or cursing somebody who has made you a loser while you yourself don’t feel it
that way is a normal thing to do.
But it’s in a perspective of this child. And her friends. When I told my
friends of my age about this, they felt the same. They told me what I
WANTED to hear, not what I SHOULD’ve heard.

When
those “adults” saw me acting this way, of course, they said this, “OK. So she’s
still a child. I expect you to be more mature but I don’t get what I expect,
and I’m disappointed in you”. I know that was what in their minds. I know just
by looking at their face. I know just by seeing their eyes when I acted
childishly.

Ok.
I’m still an emotional child who have just entered the world of adults who
expect me to be an adult. Some of them concealed their disappointment. Some of
them not. One of them told me directly. And he successfully made me understand.

The
distance between us cannot be erased. We’re losers in different way, that’s
what they tried to say. I know it’s something right. But I just hate the way it
should be (being childish AGAIN).

They
are losers. Me and my buddy are losers. But they enjoy their defeat and face
the new days ahead with a new spirit. Their defeat becomes their motivation.

I
justify what I’ve done by saying this to myself : “I’ve always lost in a debate
competition although I’ve tried so hard, why should I be patient and be a good
girl when I lost because of other people make me lost?”

But
then it strikes me : they must’ve competed in thousands of competitions and
suffered defeat more than the numbers I have, why can’t I smile like them?

I’ve
fallen in love with this world of debating, I can’t hate it although it’s harsh
and has dumped me many times, more than everything in this world. I just can’t
get back to my old life and enjoying my life being a good-school-girl without
looking to the outside world. Every high school debater that I befriended of
said this, “Debate has changed my life”. Yeah, I feel the same. I’m still a low
class debater, but I’ve long dumped this ‘inferiority syndrome’ because many
people gave me motivation, including those people I respect at ITB.

Well,
being a child who tries to engage with adults, maybe is not a hard thing
to do, now that I’ve understood a little piece of understanding. I just have to
transform myself to a “woman”, make it hard for myself to say “I surrender”.
Make it hard for even have a single tear of a loser. Cheer myself up with hope
(I hate this word hope. I’ve been hoping too many times in my life and none of
them turns out to be real>childish mode on). Determine my goal and try to
achieve it, no matter how hard it will be.

After
I’ve understood, I REALLY wanted to cry, but I erased that single tear. What’s
the point of saying I understand if I still cry.

I
have this body of my own, I have this brain to think about something fairly.
I’m not brainless but I’m brainless if I say somebody’s brainless, isn’t it
right?

Question
: Can I do this “resolution”?

February
10, 2008

A hell lots of fun

Today’s
Sunday and I’ve just finished the ALSA UNPAD competition. How’s the result? Oh
no, don’t talk about that, the result was disappointing.

In
this competition, we (me and Ega) were really really becoming “the 2^nd
ITB”. After High School Debate, we always “assisted” ITB in every match. Until
the committee was a bit disturbed I think.

The
main problem is about “outsider-ness”. Me and Ega still feel that we are
outsider (well, that’s true) and that we shouldn’t be “too close” to ITB and
becoming “the 2^nd ITB” because actually we ARE high school students
and (not yet) ITB students.

But
when we told this matter to Bana and Pandu after the competition (when
everybody else were heading to NAV Ciwalk), guess what their responses were?

Pandu
said he was going to rape us these virgin girls if we talked about how we were
truly outsiders and how we wouldn’t be able to go to karaoke despite the fact
that we really wanted to.

Hoho.
“RAPE”???

Bana
told us not to be childish and encouraged us to be just confident and respect
ITB students just as they respect us. Woow. Really really lifted us up rather
than trying to rape us (sorry, Pandu). XD

During
the competitions, me and Ega were really having fun with ITB students, and it
was sure a hell lots of fun to ease our HUGE disappointment, about *piip*
adjudicators, about shame-shame and super-emotional committee, about
ridiculously ridiculous arguments from our “HONOURABLE” opponent, SMAN
"sekian sekian", that were truly rubbish but counted by THE DEVIL
adj, and our nice-beautiful arguments that WERE NOT counted by that worm-brain
adj.

Haha.
I need a whole day to talk about this adj (these adjs, actually) but since I’m
not going to add sin, so let’s skip this part.

We
were –suddenly- *sok deket* with ITB students (although I’ve mentioned before
that they didn’t think it that way. Haha. Let’s think positively!) and getting
crazy with them, gossiping with Canisius students and also getting crazy with debaters
from UNPAR (especially Erry with his Orthianity thingy and “my belief” and
“several types of girls” : perkosa-able, pacaran-able, and so on, and Christy’s
“fat power” that Ogeb mentioned. Geez,

ur

truly *insane* guys! But that was really
fun).

After
everything ends, suddenly we found ourselves cheering for ITB C as the winner
of Varsity debate (you go, guys!) and Elfa as the best speaker. After that me
and Ega had a hot debate about whether or not we should join them to karaoke
since Uphie didn’t state to us clearly if we were allowed to join. So we waited
for the rain to end, and watched bitterly when Uphie went out without saying
anything.

Me
and Ega decided to karaokeing by ourselves but somehow we felt it was absurd
and then we went back to a group of people consists of BPK 1 and Canisius
teams. Talked about this and that for a while, parting and congratulating BPK
(see? They are 2^nd winner!)

Me
and Ega turned around after *bye-bye* with BPK and suddenly found Pandu and
Bana there! How come? Thought they had gone to NAV Ciwalk! And there was also
Sume with us. Back to that part about “But when we told this matter to Bana and
Pandu after the competition…” (read the previous section), and after that we
decided to go to NAV Ciwalk, whatever complications and side effect may occur
(including my undone homework up until now).

Shortly,
there we were, at NAV Ciwalk. Room 7, 10 persons from left to right facing the
TV (hoho…so detail) : Pandu, Fafa, Karmen, Uphie, Elfa, Bana, Sume, Ega, Me,
Bedu (from??? I forget!). Me and Ega’s real intention was to hear Pandu singing
before he rapes us. Hoho. Jzt kidding. Erase the rape part.

We
had real laughs, it was totally fun, and oh yeah, Pandu makes everything
hyperbolic. Me and Ega FINALLY succeeded to sing IN FRONT OF OUR BEAUTIFUL
COACH with his beautiful voice! Wooohooo!! Hate That I Love You was sung by us
BADLY (of course! The important part was the fun!). And we also “participated”
in several songs (every of us, actually).

Me
and Ega wanted to sing Big Big World like what we always do, but then I don’t
know how, it was me and Pandu who sang it. You know what, the hotly kissing
section was dangerous. TAKUUUTTT!!!! Luckily I was far from him (sorry, sorry
Pandu!! Haha. don’t take it personally). And Ega got our most favourite part
“outside is now raining and tears are falling from my eyes, why did it have to
happen”. Actually, me and Ega didn’t expect him to know about this song. It’s
supposed to be the oldies-lover Uphie, rite?

Another
song we sang was “In The End” from

Linkin

Park

. Oh, before In The End I also sang Because
of You (Kelly Clarkson) with Fafa. Me and Ega sang it, also with the rapping
part. Elfa said we were good in rapping, and Sume said “that’s why they speak
fast in a debate”. Laugh out loud. ^_^

After
In The End, everything’s at an end. We had to go home, our moms were furious,
and now

23:58

I still haven’t finished my homework. I’m
gonna sleep now I don’t care, hopefully I can wake myself up 2 or 3 hours later
and do my homeworks. Uuuuuhhhh.

My
special thanks to SEF ITB members, all of you. The adjs : Uphie, Masyhur (our
Mama and Papa), Nanda. ITB A : Pandu, Gilang, Nogi. ITB B : Eling, Emy, Nick.
ITB C : Elfa, Bana, Safir (congratz for the winning guys and thanks for
treating us to karaoke).

Hopefully
this happiness never ends. =)

I’m
so lucky knowing u all guys. Thanks for cheering us (me and my team) up.