somenonsensewritings x)

Saturday, February 16, 2008

A child who has a little piece of understanding

Just
several hours ago (about

9:30

) my best-buddy called me. As usual.
Since we came to that place and since we had everything with them, the
intensity of phone call between us has been raising rapidly, and almost
everyday we call each other. Most of these phone calls were intended to talk
about THAT matter.

When
she phoned me at that time, she said something that really pierced me to the
heart.

“Catatan
tgl 26 Desember” is just one of a thousand.

I
finally understood something.

An
answer to all my doubt.

A
message that every of them tries to send is : “Be more mature”.

Is
the definition of “adult” made by 15-16 year-old girls different from 17-19’s
definition?

YES.

Entering
their world means that I have to act like an adult. If I tell myself not to be
childish, then I shouldn’t be a child.

I
thought, crying because I’m a loser
or cursing somebody who has made you a loser while you yourself don’t feel it
that way is a normal thing to do.
But it’s in a perspective of this child. And her friends. When I told my
friends of my age about this, they felt the same. They told me what I
WANTED to hear, not what I SHOULD’ve heard.

When
those “adults” saw me acting this way, of course, they said this, “OK. So she’s
still a child. I expect you to be more mature but I don’t get what I expect,
and I’m disappointed in you”. I know that was what in their minds. I know just
by looking at their face. I know just by seeing their eyes when I acted
childishly.

Ok.
I’m still an emotional child who have just entered the world of adults who
expect me to be an adult. Some of them concealed their disappointment. Some of
them not. One of them told me directly. And he successfully made me understand.

The
distance between us cannot be erased. We’re losers in different way, that’s
what they tried to say. I know it’s something right. But I just hate the way it
should be (being childish AGAIN).

They
are losers. Me and my buddy are losers. But they enjoy their defeat and face
the new days ahead with a new spirit. Their defeat becomes their motivation.

I
justify what I’ve done by saying this to myself : “I’ve always lost in a debate
competition although I’ve tried so hard, why should I be patient and be a good
girl when I lost because of other people make me lost?”

But
then it strikes me : they must’ve competed in thousands of competitions and
suffered defeat more than the numbers I have, why can’t I smile like them?

I’ve
fallen in love with this world of debating, I can’t hate it although it’s harsh
and has dumped me many times, more than everything in this world. I just can’t
get back to my old life and enjoying my life being a good-school-girl without
looking to the outside world. Every high school debater that I befriended of
said this, “Debate has changed my life”. Yeah, I feel the same. I’m still a low
class debater, but I’ve long dumped this ‘inferiority syndrome’ because many
people gave me motivation, including those people I respect at ITB.

Well,
being a child who tries to engage with adults, maybe is not a hard thing
to do, now that I’ve understood a little piece of understanding. I just have to
transform myself to a “woman”, make it hard for myself to say “I surrender”.
Make it hard for even have a single tear of a loser. Cheer myself up with hope
(I hate this word hope. I’ve been hoping too many times in my life and none of
them turns out to be real>childish mode on). Determine my goal and try to
achieve it, no matter how hard it will be.

After
I’ve understood, I REALLY wanted to cry, but I erased that single tear. What’s
the point of saying I understand if I still cry.

I
have this body of my own, I have this brain to think about something fairly.
I’m not brainless but I’m brainless if I say somebody’s brainless, isn’t it
right?

Question
: Can I do this “resolution”?

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